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The daily humorscope~Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Cave Canem - beware of the dog
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".
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