<>_<>JOKES <>_<>
A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.
The men on this floor are almost well
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.
The men on this floor are almost well
Wife to Husband: "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral
procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."
------
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing
"wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right
to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you
have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
.................
A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender comes over
and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.
"Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.
"The wife and I had a fight," the man said. "She doesn't like it
when I say the word, 'bitch.'"
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I need to learn her mother's real name."
------
Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she
went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,
the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I
couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door,
but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."
------
..............
A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long
vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked
about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the
teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count
out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get
for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "That's the current rate
of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap skunk breakfast,
too!"
............
There was a young man who always managed to wake in time for school
-- but never in time to get up and see a sunrise.
One day, his father asked why he never would get up for that
purpose...
The boy replied, "Dad, If God had meant for man to see the sunrise
he would have scheduled it later in the day." -- Ross Bowen
------
Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out
a questionnaire asking basic health and personal history
questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is,
"Do you now use or have you ever used recreational drugs?"
We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote:
"Yes. Birth control pills."
------
"Being a performer was always my destiny. When I was born,
the doctors didn't have to pop me to get me going. It was like,
'Thank you, thank you. I am here!' I was ready to party." --
Whoopi Goldberg
------
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered
'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started
collecting moths last week!"
procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
Husband: "All right, but it will ruin my day."
------
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing
"wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right
to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you
have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
.................
A man walks into a bar and looks depressed. The bartender comes over
and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house.
"Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.
"The wife and I had a fight," the man said. "She doesn't like it
when I say the word, 'bitch.'"
"Why is that?"
"She thinks I need to learn her mother's real name."
------
Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she
went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!
Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hallway.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,
the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I
couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door,
but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes, it did.
Doctor: And what did the letters spell?
Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."
------
..............
A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long
vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked
about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the
teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count
out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get
for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "That's the current rate
of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap skunk breakfast,
too!"
............
There was a young man who always managed to wake in time for school
-- but never in time to get up and see a sunrise.
One day, his father asked why he never would get up for that
purpose...
The boy replied, "Dad, If God had meant for man to see the sunrise
he would have scheduled it later in the day." -- Ross Bowen
------
Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out
a questionnaire asking basic health and personal history
questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is,
"Do you now use or have you ever used recreational drugs?"
We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote:
"Yes. Birth control pills."
------
"Being a performer was always my destiny. When I was born,
the doctors didn't have to pop me to get me going. It was like,
'Thank you, thank you. I am here!' I was ready to party." --
Whoopi Goldberg
------
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered
'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started
collecting moths last week!"
__._,_.___
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