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Returning home from the class field trip, Little Johnny's mom
asked him, "How did the field trip to the zoo go, son?"
asked him, "How did the field trip to the zoo go, son?"
"I got in trouble at the zoo for feeding the ostrich." Replied
Little Johnny.
Little Johnny.
"Why did that get you in trouble?" asked his mom.
"Because," replied Little Johnny, "I fed it to the tigers."
......................
An older man is on the operating table awaiting surgery.
He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
...................................
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, the Avon lady knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, the Avon lady knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming back?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
........................................
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
........................
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
........................
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
.................. 
...............
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
...............One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable
little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
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