Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a Chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. Nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
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