Afternoon Jokes.
Anger vs. Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied,
The father replied,
"It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random.
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random.
To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered,
The man answered,
"There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial".
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch..."
The father dialled the number again.
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch..."
The father dialled the number again.
"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!"
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!"
The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said,
The father turned to his daughter and said,
"You see, that was anger."
The father dialled the same number three more times, with increasingly furious responses.
The father dialled the same number three more times, with increasingly furious responses.
Finally, he said,
"Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!"
The father calmly said,
The father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Dementia Test
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Here are four questions along with a bonus question.
Dementia Test
*
Here are four questions along with a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, just answer off the top of your head.
*
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
*
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer:
Answer:
First?
Wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
*
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
*
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you're wrong again.
It's impossible to overtake the last person.
*
Third Question:
This must be done in your head only.
Third Question:
This must be done in your head only.
Don't use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000
Now add.
10. What is the total?
10. What is the total?
Answer.
Did you get 5000?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!
*
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Check with your calculator!
*
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu?
Of course not.
Her name is Mary.
Read the question again.
*
Bonus Question (this one is really easy):
Again, without using a calculator or pencil and paper --
*
Bonus Question (this one is really easy):
Again, without using a calculator or pencil and paper --
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
What do you mean,
"How could I possibly know that?"
For crying out loud,
Don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
It was YOU!
*
On the bright side, you don't have to feel so bad when you forget to pick up eggs on the way home from work.
*
On the bright side, you don't have to feel so bad when you forget to pick up eggs on the way home from work.
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part I
The Laws of Golf, Part I
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8:
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
~~~~~~~~~~
The Laws of Golf, Part II
The Laws of Golf, Part II
LAW 11:
Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14:
Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16:
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset7
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