If someone said you are forever happy even when you are having feelings of despair, depression and you are, as they say, 'down in the dumps', would you believe them? If someone said happiness was your real, true, underlying, original and eternal nature despite your prevailing mawkish moods or the reality of those 'Monday morning miseries', would you believe them? If someone told you the holy grail of happiness has been residing within your heart all along, despite the world convincing you that you can only find it in a department store, would you believe them?
Almost everything we do and pursue is motivated by the search for happiness. Yet it seems no one has been able to explain to us what happiness is exactly or how to experience precisely. As a consequence it's been confused with many feelings, clouded by many false promises and lost in the mists of many illusions.
Happiness is a state of being. But it's hard to pin down an accurate description of happiness as it's a state that you 'feel' and the words that we use for different feelings mean different things to different people. But here goes anyway. See if this 'feels right' to you!
If you sit and reflect on what is happiness, for a few moments at least, it's likely you will come up with three predominant feelings when you are authentically happy - contentment, joy and bliss. Not contentment as in a kind of soporific laziness, not joy as in an excited scream when the new baby arrives, not bliss as in a substance induced state or when your team wins! So what kind of contentment, joy and bliss?
Authentic happiness includes a CONTENTMENT which occurs naturally when nothing and no one can disturb you. You no longer have any buttons that can be pressed! It's a contentment that's only possible when you no longer 'desire' anything or anyone simply because you've realized you no longer 'need' anything or anyone else to 'make you'...happy! As long as there is desire there will always be some discontentment! Contentment occurs in those moments when you are able to accept everyone as they are and everything as it is, at all times in all places, at all moments! Remember, acceptance does not mean you agree with others or that you condone what others have done. It's a serene acceptance born of the recognition that, in the words of Desiderata (again),everything is unfolding exactly as it should. It sounds easy but it's not, simply because the work we will need to do includes not attaching to any ideas of how we want the world and other people to be, and not identifying with any thing or anyone in the world! No small inner challenge!
Authentic happiness includes a JOY that arises naturally from deep within when you are engaged in the process of what you/I/we are designed to do, which is to 'be creative'. Not creative as in painting and poetry, or even making something in the world. But the deepest form of creativity which is bringing your true nature, your true state, which is peaceful and loving, into the world through different forms, including the forms of your intentions, the forms of your thoughts, the forms of your attitudes and the forms of your behaviors. These are the primary forms that we all create. They are the forms of life and living that each one of us gets the opportunity to create simply by being alive. However recognition of this level of creativity only takes place when we realise we ourselves are not a 'physical form' but the energy of consciousness itself. Some call this energy the soul or spirit. Many recognize that this is the energy that animates and 'comes through' the physical form that we occupy. Joy starts to arise from within when there is the realization I didn't come to get a life I came to create a life, with others.
Authentic happiness includes a BLISS that arises naturally as long as we remain internally free. Watch and listen to the young starlings on a warm summers evening as they learn to fly. Listen to them scream in delight as they zig zag across the sky. They are 'delighting' in their freedom to fly. It's a great metaphor for spirit, for our self. We do taste the delight and the bliss of this kind of freedom but only very occasionally. Why? Because most of the time we are not internally free. Why? Because we learn to become attached and therefore fearful of losing the object/s of our attachment. It's attachment that keeps us anchored and yet insecure. We sabotage our own inner freedom with any form of attachment. Where there is attachment there is fear and where there is fear there cannot be the bliss of authentic happiness.
The Natural State of Happiness
There is an idea, some call it an insight, others call it obvious, that says that consciousness (the self) starts out like water - pure and natural, free of all toxins or any form of pollution. It's only over time, after water arrives on the earth from the clouds up above, that it starts to absorb and be polluted by a variety of toxins. As a result it loses its purity, it's naturalness. It's original state is compromised. We are now very aware of all the toxins that our water contains and many people spend much money on purification systems so that their physical health will not be compromised. They try to extract the seven toxins which, by many accounts, are now found in our tap water - fluoride, chlorine, radioactive substances, pharmaceuticals, chromium, heavy metals and arsenic - but there are probably more!
Could it be a similar process with what we call happiness? Could happiness be an original, pure and natural state of ...consciousness? Could it be that our consciousness has been polluted and compromised by a variety of toxins? Each one of us cannot know the answer to these questions until we check into the laboratory of our consciousness, our self, make our own investigations and see for ourselves. Articles and books, seminars and retreats may 'help us', meditation and contemplation practices may assist us to look in the right direction, to recognize whether it's true or not. But it's only when we can 'see' and 'realise' for our self what is sabotaging our 'natural happiness', our pure happy state, that we can clean out the toxins and set our self free.
One the primary aims of effective coaching is to help the coachee to ask themselves the right questions so they may enhance their self awareness and cultivate the 'insightful realisations' of what is getting in the way of their happiness. So let's test the 'happiness is natural' theory and see if we can find the right questions which, when used self reflectively, may help us to recognize the toxins within our consciousness that are polluting and poisoning our natural state of happiness.
While the water that comes out of our tap 'seems' to be pure we are, at the same time, aware that it's not. Similarly with our state of happiness. What 'seems' to be feelings of happiness usually aren't our true and natural state of happiness. Some of the signs that the happiness that we believe we are feeling is not authentic happiness is that our feelings are usually dependent on something or someone 'out there', there is no consistency as what we believe is happiness comes and goes, it rises and falls in intensity, it is not energising but, over time, it is draining.
If you watch out for these symptoms its means something toxic has polluted your consciousness. These toxins are known as 'beliefs'. It is a variety of 'toxic beliefs' that underlie the habit of creating 'false happiness'. There are seven toxic beliefs that have established themselves within our consciousness. These are popular toxins that we all tend to have absorbed, mostly when we were young. See if you recognise them within your self.
Toxic Belief No 1 - Acquisition makes me happy!
We believe that if we acquire certain objects, certain 'partners', then we will find happiness. However most people who have acquired more than they need will usually confirm that acquisition only brings a temporary happiness at best, and a false sense of security at worst. It also brings an increased responsibility in the form of more things to think about, which for many means 'worry about'! And if we are not careful we easily use our acquisitions to create a false self image as we try to impress others. We confuse our wealth with our worth! However it can be an addictive way to try to be happy because there is always that initial thrill of a new acquisition. But it always wears off. So the toxic belief that acquisition brings happiness requires elimination, otherwise we may just become addicted to accumulation!
The coaching questions for self reflection: What do you want that you believe will make you happy? Make a list. Then ask your self are you sure these things will bring authentic happiness?
Toxic Belief Number 2 - Achievement makes me happy
This is the belief that has us continuously setting goals then using our time and energy in striving and struggling towards their achievement. No bad thing, some would say. It is important to have a focus for your energy, others would say. However, when we believe achievement brings happiness and we focus time and energy on achieving we tend to do two things that will ensure our unhappiness. We tend to delay our happiness until the goal is achieved. We will likely create a fear along the way known as the worry that we may not make it. Sometimes a more subtle belief kicks in that says you have to deserve to be happy. You have to work hard to be happy, you have to earn your happiness, therefore achieve your happiness, which is often referred to as the Scottish Protestant work ethic!
The coaching questions for self reflection: What are you aiming to achieve that you believe will make you happy? Make a list. Then ask your self are you sure these achievements will make you happy?
Toxic Belief No 3 - Excitement equals happiness
This belief tends to be learned when we are very young. Parents simply pass on the illusion that excitement is happiness when they take us to our first circus or match. They become excited and call it happiness so we believe them. They know not what they teach! Excitement is what happens when the water in the kettle boils. The molecules are excited, they are agitated. But happiness for a human being is not agitation. Happiness is, as we saw earlier, a state of contentment with a natural flow of joy from our heart into the world.
The coaching questions for self reflection: What do you use to excite yourself believing that it makes you happy? Make a list. Then ask your self are you sure these excitements are real happiness?
Toxic Belief No 4 - Happiness is dependent on others
We all know the moment when we have said, "I was so happy when you said that! You made me so happy." But did they? Does someone else make you happy? It seems that way. And that's what most of us have been taught. We forget that we are ourselves responsible for our own state of being therefore our state of happiness. When we make our feelings dependent on what other people say and their behaviour towards us it's probably one of the hardest toxins to eliminate from our consciousness. One question can start the process of self liberation: who exactly is responsible for my personal happiness? Can you be contented no matter what anyone says or does? If not, why not? What is it within us that is so reliant on what others say and do? Perhaps another useful question for reflection is what 'seems' to be missing within us? What is clouding our awareness of our natural contentment?
The coaching questions for self reflection: Who are you dependent upon in your life to make you happy? Make a list. Then ask your self do they really make me happy. Are they really responsible for my happiness?
Toxic Belief No 5 - Happiness is the result of attachment
"That's mine, they are mine, this is my house, my car, my money, my partner, my children". These are usually moments when we are really saying we need to be attached to these things in order to be happy. How do we know that all 'mineness', all attachment, will bring unhappiness? Because there will be frequent moments of anxiety, tension, worry and even panic as we 'fear' losing what we are attached to. Each of those moments are unhappy moments. It's just that we somehow learn to tolerate such feelings and even start to believe they are 'natural'. We might even go to the horror movie, have feelings of fear invoked, and then call it happiness when we tell others about how great the movie was!
The coaching questions for self reflection: What am I attached to which I believe is giving me happiness? Make a list. Then ask your self are you sure they make me happy and could I be happy without them? If not why not?
Toxic Belief No 6 - Happiness is relief from pain or suffering
Perhaps the most common confusion around happiness is when some pain or suffering ends and we say, "I am so happy the pain has gone". However pain relief can never be authentic happiness, only a temporary relief from unhappiness. Authentic happiness is only possible when we are able to accept the inevitability of physical pain and when we have realised and applied the wisdom to not create any more suffering. Pain is physical, which is why it will inevitably happen at some stage. But suffering is mental and emotional which is always entirely our own creation. It's just that we find it hard to see through the mists of the primary illusion that other people are responsible for our feelings. When we do it marks the beginning of the end of our 'suffering', which is in effect the ending of unhappiness.
The coaching questions for self reflection: What forms of pain am I looking forward to ending so that I can be happy? Is there a list? Can you decide to accept the pain here in this moment now? Can you discern how you make your self suffer?
Toxic Belief No 7 - Happiness is only possible when there is success
Brilliantly conditioned to believe that the world and life is innately competitive, many of us then form the belief that success equals winning. That could, and usually does, include winning our survival! So we live in fear of losing, fear of not surviving, which creates many unhappy moments. Then we start to compare our successfulness against others successes, inducing more unhappy moments!
Trying to be more successful today than yesterday, more successful than others, is what turns life into an ultra serious journey, a joyless expedition, a discontented sojourn. You only have to look at the faces of our so called sporting heroes as they participate in their games in the name of 'success' to see the total absence of a natural and authentic happiness. Yet we believe that their success brings them so much happiness! Then we start to believe that the pain of all the strain is the only way to success and therefore happiness. So we start to make our selves extremely unhappy in order to be happy!
You can only laugh...when you see it in this light!
The coaching questions for self reflection: What kind of successes am I striving towards in the belief they will bring me happiness? Make a list. Then ask your self are you sure they will bring you real, authentic, natural happiness? If not why not?
There are probably many more than seven toxic beliefs contaminating our consciousness and sabotaging our natural state of contentment, our pure joyfulness, our original bliss. But recognising them, and realising how they are inducing feelings of discontent, joylessness and frequent moments of grumpiness is the first step in the purification of our consciousness. Just as we value pure water over contaminated water so the spiritual process of the purification of our consciousness includes the elimination of the toxins that have been absorbed along the way.
The questions provide reflective signposts that we can use to deepen our awareness. However, equally necessary is time spent in a deeper state of consciousness. It's in moments of meditation that it's possible to touch and taste our original and unpolluted state of being. The more we do the easier it becomes to recognise, extract and eliminate anything that pollutes that state.
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