Humorscope~Tuesday, November 22, 2011
In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?" I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wright
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice-cream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you'll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes - your very own Hole.
Rose!
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