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Nigel gave the lamp a cautious buff and small smoking red letters appeared in the air. "Hi," Nigel read aloud, "Do not put down the lamp because your custom is important to us. Please leave a wish after the tone and, very shortly, it will be our command. In the meantime, have a nice eternity."
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You'll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get "the yank".
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