<>_<>the QUOTES FROM COMMON <>_<>
"A new survey found that half of all American employees have faked
a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey." -Jimmy
Fallon
------
"Fashion Week starts today in New York. If you can tell, I'm
very much into fashion. My outfit tonight is called 'Creepy
Uncle.'" -Craig Ferguson
------
"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing
all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back
seat with a map." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and
her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing
patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was
wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."
------
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's
something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows
stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech- nician
explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't
be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one
standing behind me."
------
Since I figured I'm going to be broke (more broke than usual,
anyway) when the first bill for the new couch comes at the end
of the month, I asked the girlfriend out to dinner Saturday night
while I still have a few drachmas to rub together.
When she came over I was still trying to decide what to wear. I
wanted to look nice, but not over-dressed, so I decided on casual,
black slacks and a white button down. While I was looking on the
finished product in the mirror it struck me that I looked not so
much like a metrosexual stud-about-town but more like a waiter.
So walking out to the living room where the girlfriend was waiting
I said, "Hey, do I look like George Clooney dressed like this or
do I look like a waiter?"
Pausing to come up with what I'm sure she thought was a judicious
answer, she said, "You look like George Clooney if he were
a waiter."
------
"Hey, I read about a McDonald's in California that was built
with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because
recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a
McRib." -Jimmy Fallon
------
"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council
that was outlawing dancing." -David Letterman
------
"People around the world think America is the coolest country. Now
if you'll excuse me, I have an explosion to walk away from while
I put on sunglasses in slow motion." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
"A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but
men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually
takes place after men point out that women gained more weight
after marriage." -Jimmy Fallon
------
"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for
the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out
on the weekend." -Craig Ferguson
------
"The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United
States down to 5th place. Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess
those little army knives are selling like crazy." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an
associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer"
them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've
forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
------
"NASCAR is trying some new initiatives to go green, including
planting trees and using ethanol fuel. Most controversial is the
idea of having NASCAR drivers carpool in the race." -Conan O'Brien
a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey." -Jimmy
Fallon
------
"Fashion Week starts today in New York. If you can tell, I'm
very much into fashion. My outfit tonight is called 'Creepy
Uncle.'" -Craig Ferguson
------
"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing
all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back
seat with a map." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and
her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing
patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was
wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."
------
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's
something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows
stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech- nician
explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't
be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one
standing behind me."
------
Since I figured I'm going to be broke (more broke than usual,
anyway) when the first bill for the new couch comes at the end
of the month, I asked the girlfriend out to dinner Saturday night
while I still have a few drachmas to rub together.
When she came over I was still trying to decide what to wear. I
wanted to look nice, but not over-dressed, so I decided on casual,
black slacks and a white button down. While I was looking on the
finished product in the mirror it struck me that I looked not so
much like a metrosexual stud-about-town but more like a waiter.
So walking out to the living room where the girlfriend was waiting
I said, "Hey, do I look like George Clooney dressed like this or
do I look like a waiter?"
Pausing to come up with what I'm sure she thought was a judicious
answer, she said, "You look like George Clooney if he were
a waiter."
------
"Hey, I read about a McDonald's in California that was built
with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because
recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a
McRib." -Jimmy Fallon
------
"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council
that was outlawing dancing." -David Letterman
------
"People around the world think America is the coolest country. Now
if you'll excuse me, I have an explosion to walk away from while
I put on sunglasses in slow motion." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
"A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but
men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually
takes place after men point out that women gained more weight
after marriage." -Jimmy Fallon
------
"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for
the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out
on the weekend." -Craig Ferguson
------
"The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United
States down to 5th place. Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess
those little army knives are selling like crazy." -Jimmy Kimmel
------
Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an
associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer"
them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've
forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
------
"NASCAR is trying some new initiatives to go green, including
planting trees and using ethanol fuel. Most controversial is the
idea of having NASCAR drivers carpool in the race." -Conan O'Brien
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